The Creative Mind – Going Crazy

The last few weeks, things have been a bit wonky here at Casa Betita. And honestly, can anyone take speculation to a higher point of absurdity than a writer?

Sigh.

My dentist is a wonderful man. A cancer survivor. I’m not certain exactly what it is/was. But it’s throat oriented and has left him nothing more than a bare whisper of a voice. I love him and travel nearly 3
hours to see him several times a year.

Why am I talking about my dentist? He saw something odd inside my mouth on February 24th, a dark spot. He made a note of it, ‘just a blood blister and should be gone when I saw you again, in three weeks’. Well, it wasn’t. And he recommended I see a regular doctor and have it looked at.

Sigh. Imagine, my dentist…who I’ve been seeing for decades. Who has fought cancer for years…

Imagine my imagination. Now, multiple that by 1000 times.

The spot was biopsied two days later… Since February, the fear would flit across my mind…

‘what if…?’

‘shut up’

‘but…what it…?’

‘damn it, shut up!’

By the time he saw it the second time, I was teetering on the edge of a precipice, the worst an imaginative person can conjure. The week between the biopsy and waiting for the result… I have been buried in insanity.

Unable to focus on anything but editing. Editing. Editing. I sat up until 2 in the morning. I woke early. I didn’t sleep well. I spoke very little. I bailed on Facebook, a favorite social media. I didn’t email. I had projects I needed to work on. Print editions, promotional investigation, tweeking existing ebooks…
Nope. I edited. Nine volumes of my Forever A Pirate novels. Books 10-20.

And when I was reading, fixing, fixating, focused…I didn’t think about that spot.

I’m still waiting for results.

And I tell myself, it must not be horrible, I’d be hearing already.

And I tell myself, there is no history of cancer in my family.

And I tell myself…

And I tell myself…

And I tell myself…

Sigh.

An imagination running wild can be a marvelous thing. For me, it resulted in a 30 volume series about pirates. Another 3, soon to be 4, volume series of about different pirates and a matchmaking kraken. A 6 volume series featuring sex magic based in modern Ireland. A 3 volume series exploring alien/human interaction. An dystopian urban fantasy. And more short, sexy, really filthy stories than I can admit to.
(Ooops.)

I love my imagination.

And right now, I hate it.

And I tell myself ‘when you hear it’s nothing, you’re gonna feel like a fool’.

I sure hope so.

*Update… Got a call and it’s not cancer. I don’t really know how to react at the moment. I am overwhelmed with relief. And terribly, terribly exhausted. At least now…I can let my mind consider the future.

6 Responses to The Creative Mind – Going Crazy

  • Glad it’s not cancer and hope you’re able to finally relax and sleep peacefully!

  • Maureen says:

    Thanks, Stacy… It seems so silly in retrospect. But in the midst of it, there was no where to go and nothing to do. I think, after nearly dying seven years ago, it felt too much like I was falling right back to that space.

  • Hellion says:

    Well, thank God, woman! I hoped you were going to have an answer at the end and didn’t leave it cliffhanging like one of your books! And it’s not silly–especially when you brushed so close to death before and now that you’re really taking off and doing awesome things–well, I’m just the kind of person who waits for the other shoe to drop too. It’s a common illness. *HUGS*

  • Maureen says:

    God, Hels…you sure we aren’t related? I often feel as if good fortune invites the other shoe to drop…or deliver a swift kick.

  • Hellion says:

    Terri frequently says we’re sisters from different mothers. *LOL* About you and me. She thinks the crap I think is whacked.

  • Maureen says:

    Well, Terri is a close relative to the practical minded Pollyanna! ;-)

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